‘I know you are unhappy, you are working far to hard and not playing anywhere near harder enough for everything to be ok’
So above are the wise words of my mum.. Mums know everything don’t they?
Seeing as those words are still ringing in my ears I thought there is no better way to get the monkey off my back as to how and why my mum came to say such a thing to me.. Sit tight because this might be an uncomfortable ride!!!
The simplest answer is this – I am unhappy..
I miss eventing..
I had the pleasure of riding a 13.2hh pony in its first ODE in a 80T at Burgie Horse Trials in the most unbelievable snow at the weekend, to some people it would have felt like a waste of a Sunday – I mean I was HC and will more than likely never ride the pony again but Sunday reminded me just how much I miss riding horses at competitions, it’s as simple as this – I like myself when I am on horse..
The pony I rode didn’t (very sensibly!!) see the point in going on the bit much in the dressage warm up but she buckled down and produced a lovely test for a mark of 33, I did my best not to annoy her in the warm up and let her see we could meet at a middle ground.. Which we did and I was honestly proud of her and the fact she had worked with me.
So on to the showjumping – By this point it was snowing so much it was really hard to see where we were going!
My pony hated every second of the snow covered ground yet every time I kicked on a stride she pricked her cute little ears and came up for me.. Not once did I stop kicking, trying to give her every little bit of the confidence I had in her to her..
You see if people believe in you you achieve.. Simply as that..
By the time we were going XC I couldn’t quite believe they hadn’t pulled the plug on the whole event!! But hey ho.. Off we went anyways! My super cool pony grew in confidence with every jump she jumped, that was until the coffin..
I took a pull just before the ditch to let her have a look at it, she duly slowed herself to have a look only to slip on the wet ground and scare herself..
I tried twice to get her over it but I knew the damage was done. So I put my hand up and asked the fence judge if I could play around the fence till the next horse came, I was fully expecting him to say no – but to my amazement he said yes!!
Fantastic I thought.. So I trotted around to the landing side of the ditch so she could see it was safe to jump to the landing side of scary hole in the ground, a couple of turns and boom she popped over it. In a green way but in that spilt second I knew she had learnt far more than if I’d stood there trying to force her over.. She was genuinely worried..
I gave her a pat and walked home a happy rider, I had given her a great experience..
Maybe on paper it won’t look like a great result but I know in my head and hers it was.
There is always another day and I know on that ‘another day’ she will be totally on side.
On my flight home I couldn’t stop thinking about the odd feeling I had felt all day watching others riding just the day before.
But I hadn’t landed and I was getting my kit ready for an event with the flying cow.. The flying cow has been called her fair share of names since she did her very best to kill me last April..
I’m sure you will have all seen the fall, basically she made a mistake – a pretty epic mistake but still it was just a mistake, just one of those things.
She is one of the best and guttiest jumpers I have ever ridden.. Yes she is limited scope wise but she lacks nothing in heart and guts..
She honestly gave me an amazing ride XC, just as brave and as bold as you would want, at every big one I asked her up on she came up.
And then that feeling came again..
It was jealousy.
I struggled watching other people ride horses I wanted to be riding..
I want to be riding 5 lovely horses at an event every weekend..
But and this is a big but.. Am I unhappy enough with my life to totally change it all for what I want deep down in my heart?
The answer is no – I have a wonderful life, I love my job and work with great people.. Same goes for my teaching.. I love it, love meeting new people and trying to help them with there horses.
Away from horses I don’t like myself much – I mean what do I have going for me? Not much but it is fine, I do after all spend nearly 12 hours a day every day on horse back. So not much time to dis like myself really!!
This is no ‘poor little me’ cry out for someone to pat me on the back or massage my ego.
I’m just being honest.
But back to me being unhappy – yes I’m not as happy as I would be if I had a yard with 15 eventers and point to pointers in it and it was ticking a long nicely and I didn’t have to worry about the bills being paid – but I don’t have a yard with 15 eventers and point to pointers in it ticking along nicely.. Also I have been there, done it and got the T -shirt and whilst I whole heartedly believe life is what you make it, it however is not and will never be a fairy tale..
So I took a deep breath today and shook myself down – I asked myself this..
Are you happy enough to settle with what you have not what you want OR are you unhappy enough to go after what you want and not settle for what you have?
Truth is even if I feel a prang of jealously every now and again I still love my life, I truly believe I have the best of both worlds and I am not prepared to give that all up..
So I not only refuse but have no reason to be bitter.
But as always I shall make the most of what I have because a little of what you have is often so much better than a lot of what you don’t have.. Simply the grass isn’t always greener..
Remember thou – there is a massive difference between not being unhappy enough to give up what you have to go after what you want and being too afraid to give up what you have and grab what you need..
I am off to ride my last horse of the day then I have to pack my top and tails in the lorry for Withington Advanced at the weekend with Jimmy Shoo.. I might not have what I want but I have far more than I need..
Remember – be better not bitter and don’t complain about something you can but either don’t want to or don’t have the heart to change..
What you have might not be everything you want but there will be someone out there dreaming of having half of what you have so be grateful or change it.. Either way make the most of it as nothing lasts or is around forever..
Over and out till next time.