Starting again…

Hey everyone..

So I’m writing my first blog of 2015 , I hoped it would be one full of joy and great hopes for 2015!! Sadly it isn’t.. Pull up a chair and settle in if you are intending on reading this one as it’s a long boring one!!!

So I sadly have to report that the run away Moose will be ridden by someone else this coming season..
I want to stress there has been no fall out at all between me and the Moose’s owner..
She is a wonderful lady with a heart of gold but sadly things change and I have lost the ride , but I truly wish the run away Moose , her new rider and her owner all the very best.. Although I’d rather I didn’t have to watch her being ridden by someone else!!

You see..

It was only a few weeks ago I was thinking how for the first time in a very long time I was really looking forward to eventing this coming season with a small but select bunch of class horse that I love riding..

Then I got the news that the run away Moose was to be ridden by someone else and I felt like throwing my hands up and walking away from it all..
Childish of me? Most probably!
But you have to understand I don’t event because I love eventing , I enjoy it sure but I event because I love riding class horses for good people and the class horses I happen to ride at the moment are event horses for good owners that want them to continue eventing , so losing the run away Moose and her owner was a massive kick in the guts.. The Moose is a class horse and has a owner I love..

It’s like jockeys , would they just want to ride 100-1 outsiders in selling hurdles? Of course they wouldn’t! It’s about riding class horses that give you that word I use so often the ‘butterfly’ feeling.
Anyone competitive wants to ride winners in whatever sphere they ride in , a horseman understands they can’t all be winners that win all the time but it’s a mental balancing act that I like to think I have right..
But you know what? The last couple of weeks I’ve been miserable , dripping round work wondering what the point is.. I mean I finally start to get my s**t together and I bloody lose my nicest event horse.
Last weekend I decided – sod it , I’m jacking the eventing , everything in.. Unbeknown to everyone this summer I walked away from the chance of a amazing job aboard because in my heart of hearts I wasn’t ready to walk away from eventing and my horses here , I have so much unfinished business here and I still have so much I still want to achieve that I feel I should of achieved by now..

The reason I haven’t is totally my own fault , you see over the last 5 years I’ve lost a few class career changing horses at crucial points in my career – never thou any sort of fall out with there owners I’d like to add.. Some how it made it a harder more bitter pill to swallow!! I mean people fall out with people all the time – that’s life , so if that happened you’d expect to lose there horses.. But when you lose 3 class horses because the owners daughter wants to ride them herself it is some how even more heart breaking , the owners and daughter in question were fantastically wonderful fair people who I adored riding for but to be honest if I owned 3 class horses my daughter wanted to ride of course I’d give her the chance as they did and whilst I didn’t begrudge and I totally understood there discussion it still crushed me..
F**k this I thought at the time , I’m not doing this all again.. You see I am a little duck hearted when it comes to my horses , I love them.. I love plotting and planning with them , it’s what makes me tick.. It gives me the butterflies I so badly need..

But I half heartily picked myself up again only to then to sell my wonderful advanced horse Flash Gordon soon after , time that with Little Tiger retiring in amongst it all , I was feeling so sorry for myself I thought giving up and running away to the welsh hills was a really good idea!! And we all know just how badly that ended!!!

I have always admitted I am the worlds best at feeling sorry for myself but equally as good as I am at wallowing in self pity , when I need to pull myself together I do.. I do ‘coping/not coping on my own’ really well but I personally need to give myself that time to simply feel sorry for myself time and lick my wounds.. Then I pick myself up and go again , for me it’s healthily.. I can’t solider on like everything us ok!!
I don’t inflicted it on anyone else thou.. I just disappear , go quite..

Then 10 days or so ago I was asked to hunt a horse for for the first by a great friend of mine , now this horse is a class racehorse and don’t get me wrong whilst I was looking forward to hunting him I was still feeling a little out of love with life..

Hunting a horse especially a racehorse for the first time can be painful!! They are often keen , have no impatience and mis behave as they understandably just want to gallop fast usually infront!!
I have such a wonderful mannerly hunter in Colin I wasn’t sure I’d enjoy doing the whole hunting someone else’s horse for the first time!! But off I went!!

I have ridden some amazing horses in my time – some talented , some out and out triers , some winners , some just wonderful sit ons and some just classy.. I’ve been luckily enough to have ridden 3 horses that were all of the things I have listed..

I was still feeling sorry for myself as I started cantering across the first field on that racehorse who I was hunting for the first time , then I suddenly remembered why I ride horses for a living – it’s to get the chance to put my leg over horses like him..
He just gave me the most amazing feel , like he was floating – he was keen but totally polite..
He was a little unsure to start about what the hell was going on!! But a couple of well timed pats from me reassured him when he needed it and even when we came to the first set of rails we had to jump and he wasn’t totally sure how to jump them he still jumped them really cleanly and well..
I couldn’t stop smiling..
Then it came back to me , I ride horses to ride class horses not just to ride one class horse..

So I lost the ride on the Moose – of course I’m gutted but there is always another class horse , another good owner and another day to make you smile none stop.. That is if you want there to be..

So I’m done with feeling sorry for myself..

I’ve reliesed that allowing yourself to feel sorry for yourself is often healthily but you should remember it’s a feeling and you only have feelings for something you care about..
If I didn’t want to ride or event anymore I wouldn’t have cared that I lost the ride on the Moose would I? If I didn’t care I wouldn’t have been feeling sorry for myself but equally the horse I rode on Monday , out hunting for the first wouldn’t have made me smile from ear to ear all day because of the feeling of total and utter class he gave me..

So on I go with the plotting and planning of how I’m going to achieve all those things I should have achieved by now.. I need the butterflies back..

Remember – if you feel something good or bad about losing something or someone in your life be greatful for that feeling.. As it means you have lost something you care about and if you are lucky enough to be in the position to do something about that something or someone you lost then get up , get moving and stop feeling sorry for yourself as not everyone can do something about that someone or something they have lost..

Feelings are butterflies and butterflies and feelings are what make life exciting and meaningful and meaningful and exciting is what makes life worth living..

Over and out all..

P xx